14 of the best ‘burns’ you’ve heard on the golf course

There’s nothing like hearing a good “burn” when you’re on the golf course… even if you’re on the receiving end. Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

What’s better than a round of golf?

The fresh air, the pristine scenery, the hope of a great shot or a personal-best score, the company of friends, the serenity and… the banter.

Few sports lend themselves to more outstanding banter than golf. Show up for a round of golf and it can quickly morph into a 3 ½-hour Friars Club Roast.

READ: 25 of the most significant pieces of advice you’ve ever received from a caddie

The (friendly) abuse can be relentless, but it can provide memories of comic relief for countless rounds to come.

With that in mind, we recently asked our followers in TCN Twitter-land to share with us the best “burn” they’ve ever heard – or been on the receiving end of – while on the golf course.

Here’s a collection of our favorite answers, in no particular order.

14. “After I played in the Warrior Open, President Bush was going around talking about shots he had seen that day. One shot I thought he missed he said, ‘oh, you mean that time you shanked it and almost killed @jjhenrygolf.’

“I almost died of embarrassment and everyone else laughed!” — @TGolfer83

13. “Friend played in Ireland with his dad. Caddie forced him to hit a club he thought was too short for conditions. Ball ended up inches from cup. Caddie, in thick Irish brogue, says: ‘Remember, you are nothing but the fooking golfer, but I, I am the caddie.’” — @kevin_demsky

12. “True story… League I was in Northwest Ohio, on a par 3 over water, 2 handicapper hits into the water (140 yds). Drops on the tee, behind the markers, hits it in the hole. Biggest smartass in the league was playing against him. He IMMEDIATELY says, ‘NICE PAR.’” — @MartinMcSports

11. “Got joined with a threesome on a guy trip about 12th hole. Number 15 one guy says to the other, ‘Hey Carl, what’s a flagstick weigh?’

Carl: ‘I don’t know.’

One guy: ‘Well why don’t pick one up and find out?’” — @teedoffrich

READ: Caddies reveal their biggest on-course pet peeves | Unwritten rules of caddying

10. “Caddie Day tournament. Dozens of members around first tee. I swing way too hard. Whiff. Ball falls off tee. Somewhat non-sober member yells, ‘Hey, kid! You still got a no-hitter going!’ Everyone (but me) doubled over in laughter.” — @vedderkj

9. “Friend asked if he could hit my Callaway Warbird off the 18th. Swings. Clubhead flies down the fairway. Hands me the driver and says, ‘club’s not used to being hit by a man.’” — @rphardie

8. “When a friend had a mammoth putt and hits a bobbling, bouncing putt that comes up way short say, ‘well it looked good in the air.’” — @XanderMumbles

7. “After hitting two into the weeds, my friend asked the head pro: ‘what am I doing wrong?’

Pro said: ‘you’re standing too close to it… after you hit it.’

Gave me a good laugh.” — @soarshigh701

6. “Got called ‘Big Slasher’ after pounding one into a tree 30 yards in front of the tee while on a par 5… by the guy on a lawn mower cutting the grass. Afterward, he just fired the mower up and drove off. My buddy was dying.” — @BairdyC72

5. “‘I could see you were a good golfer at one time Mike’…  Caddie Killer Kiltie at Turnberry Scotland.” — @mcgrathm27

4. “2009 playing in the Waste Management Phoenix Open Pro-Am. I put two balls in the water on 15. Walking into the tunnel on 16. So nervous. I hear, ‘hey buddy, there’s no water on 16.’ I was actually kinda excited I got heckled.” — @dandiggins

RELATED: The definitive guide to tipping a caddie | 23 hilarious caddie one-liners

3. “Walking to our tee balls. Me: ‘Did you hear they’re building a Walmart here?’

Partner: ‘Where?’

Me: ‘Somewhere between your ball and mine.’” — @mjmike1

2. “‘Did you catch all that?’ After someone rolls a drive.” — @amcveigh32

1. “Playing partner hits it into the bushes, we walk up to it, starts looking and goes around backside of the bush. Other playing partner (Navy mates of 25 years) says, ‘Ambitious. You didn’t hit it that well.’” — @mradrianmiller


  1. They’re Playing at Bethpage black. Us open. Regular New Yorkers have been able to play there. Tiger hits one into deep trouble. New Yorker says “Hey Tiger! I been ova’ dere! Ya got no shot.

  2. My daughter was a standard bearer for the Pro-Am of the Jamie Farr Owens Corning Classic in Toledo, she was about 12 or so. It was a wet day and after 5 holes one of the amateurs asked how she was doing. She told them, “I’m doing fine, but I have all these Red Numbers I could use if you would get a birdie.” It cracked the players up.

  3. When playing in Scotland I was standing in the fairway on a par four trying to decide what club to use for the second shot
    . Asked caddy: “Can I get home with a five iron>” Reply: “Yes, with that and a taxi ride.”

  4. have you ever heard of a caddy named jazz he caddied for Mike Weir, Tom Lehman,John Daly,Justin leonard

  5. Player A continuously slices his tee shot into the woods. While walking down the fairway Player B asks Player A what kind of balls he plays. Player A responds, “I always buy Titleist”. Player B responds that he is going to buy Titleist stock.

  6. I’m playing Kiawah with a great caddie. On the second hole, a par 5, I hit a good tee shot and decided to go for the green. I hit a horrendous, low, skanky bullet that seemingly bounced all over hell, and then, lo and behold, ended up on the green. I turned to the caddie with a smile and he says, “Well, that’s a sister-in-law shot if I ever saw one”! I said, “sister-in-law shot”, what’s that? He smiles and says, “Well, you’re on top but really shouldn’t be”…..

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