42 of the funniest lines you’ve heard on the golf course

Some of the best jokes and one-liners you’ll ever hear happen on the golf course. Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Some of the best jokes and one-liners you’ll ever hear come over the course of 18 holes with buddies, or even with strangers.

We recently asked our @CaddieNetwork Twitter followers to share with us the funniest lines or jokes they’ve ever heard on the golf course.

With well over 100 responses submitted, we narrowed the list down to 42 of our favorites – in no particular order.

RELATED: Here’s a look at 23 of the best caddie one-liners

Without further ado, here’s a look at some of the funniest things you’ve heard on the golf course…

42. Golfer A: “Let’s get a group photo here on the first tee.”

(Long pause)

Golfer B: “Yeah…how ‘bout YOU take it…?” — @JerryLouLooper

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41. “May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” — @BHGolfEquipment

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40. “Caddie told me it was a 5 iron to clear the water on a par 3, I thought hard 7. He walked up to my ball and told it, ‘hold your breath little buddy you’re about to go for a swim!’” — @Jmikecpa

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39. “I’ll wait for the green to clear…” — @3puttonly

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38. “If you grew tomatoes, I bet they would come out sliced.” — @JCBoggs1

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37. Player: (Hits terrible drive 30 yards into the desert) “Hey, what’s over there?”

Caddie: “Triple Bogey” — @colepensantiwho

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36. “A lad had two fresh airs on the first tee playing in a society @Jbgolfshop @RoyalTaraGC. He turned to the 40 golfers behind him and said, ‘Tough bloody track this,’ I just thought BRILLIANT!!” — @Jbgolfshop

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35. “Playing at Kingsbarns in Scotland, caddie says: ‘You just hit it in the love grass’; I asked why he called it ‘love grass’; Caddie says, ‘because you hit it in there and you get f****d.” — @aceb1

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34. “Pigsy to Trotter (playing from the beach at Nairn for the 2nd hole in a row): ‘You don’t need to be a member to play over there!’” — @AliAsherXL

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33. “That’s a par for me.” — @heyderuzguys

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32. “On a 3-foot putt that misses, ‘nice lag.’” — @mark_aspinwall

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31. “Reading a putt – it’s a torn pajamas putt. One ball out.” — @CTbirdiesNhoops

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30. “Where’d you learn to hit a ball like that?? I’d be staying away from there from now on.” — @11Scooby71

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29. “We’re not counting water and sand shots today.” — @AlMasterFlirty1

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28. “I moved everything but my bowels on that shot.” — @BogleGolf

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27. Player asks the other caddie in my group on a putt, “Hey where’s this one go?”

“What’s it for? 8? It goes in your pocket.” — @sharkins03

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26. “You’re not really good enough to get that mad.” — @ElkoGameChanger

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25. “Not the funniest but a good one, ‘there is only two ways to lose at golf, you don’t press enough, or you run out of daylight.’” — @dave_hegan

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24. “I purely hit a beautiful shot into the big fifth green on The Old Course to what I thought was about 4 feet to the hole. Caddie looks at me and says, ‘that’s a perfect shot for 13, but you are a 4-wood away from the fifth.’ And off he went while I stood there…” — @TurfgrassZealot

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23. “Putt that’s clearly gonna come up short… ‘Break a tackle!’” — @squito15

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22. “I swear I’m not this bad.” — @ChoiceSelection

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21. “Do you have any toilet paper??” — @english_jerry

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20. “How we gonna count that?” — @JosephD1956

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19. “I don’t drive that far on vacation!” — @icecreamcolder

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18. “I drained a putt and partner says, ‘Damn D, you went liquid on that one.’ We all looked at him funny and he says, ‘Liquid. Pouring it in, baby.’ Never laughed that hard on the course.” — @DiezPGA

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17. “God, I need Google Maps!” — @Arikuld

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16. “Such a nice shot of mine! But completely out of the way.” — @CenekLorenc

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15. “Seen those three-putted before.” — @philipg1965

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14. “I was playing in a tournament with one of my best friends (BB of partners) and we were both putting, me for par and him for birdie. I asked him, ‘do you want me to go?’ His reply, ‘if you mean leave, then yeah!’” — @OldBalcony

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13. “Good lag putt, ‘had the right club.’” — @iStankonia

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12. “Caddie at Royal County Down says to me, ‘You have a good swing…’ pause… ‘you should play better!’” — @Woodoggydogg

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11. Sam Torrance: “I haven’t had this much fun since my dog died.”

This was playing at Woburn in senior masters a few years back. I was caddying. — @markyjohnson25

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10. “Enjoying a beverage on Pinehurst patio and a couple guys who have just finished their round pull up nearby. One says to the greeter / cart return guy: ‘Excuse me sir, do you have a lost and found? ‘Cause this guy just lost $200 and all of his pride.’ Almost spit out my beer.” — @leeming_bob

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9. “Hit a high tee shot… caddie says, ‘I hope it doesn’t burn up on re-entry.’” — @IamEdCat

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8. “I don’t have a 130-yard club.”

“Sure, you do, it’s called your 3 wood.” — @jackiv04

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7. “Best two balls I hit all day was when I stepped on the bunker rake” — @CatholicGolfer

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6. “When someone rams a putt way past, we tell them they have ‘hippo mitts’ or ‘rhino paws.’” — @john_folsom

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5. “’Fire in the hole!’ Just before underground detonation occurred 150 yards from me.” — @JPDOFACEP

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4. “I’ve never seen one that far OB.” — @HambonesOwn

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3. Playing in a pro-am with David Howell and he says after I hit another terrible drive….

DH: You should cut the shaft on that club!

Me: Why?

DH: So, it can fit in the trash can over there! — @DMG71078

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2. “Little pizza left in that box.” — @flopadopolis303

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1. Heard a player won Ernie Els’s caddie for a day. He hit a shot and said, ‘what would Ernie hit from here?’ Caddie says, ‘Ernie wouldn’t be here.’” — @crossypaul

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